Even if it meant to die for it
by Millijana
Summary: Sue Hawke has to make the maybe hardest decision in her life.


She couldn't say a word. Not a single word could describe what she was feeling right now. All she could do was stare at him, her mouth still opened in horror, her body trembling in shock. Numbness filled her head, not able to grasp what had happened here.

She heard the others around her speaking, not able to understand what they were actually talking about. Meredith and Orsino said something, they kept arguing, considering the sound of their voices.  
It was her job to stop them. They had bigger issues right now than a Champion that got off her head over her lover who blew up the Chantry. But still, all she could do was stare at Anders' face.  
The piercing glance he threw at Meredith. His shoulders were tense, while he took a few steps towards the Knight-Commander, making his point clear to all of them. Orsino interrupted him, voive heavy with anger. He reminded the Knight-Commander that this was Anders' doing, not that of all the other mages… what were they talking about?  
Sue forced herself to listen to the conversation that was still in progress.  
Orsino insisted that Meredith could not do this.

"I can and I will, First Enchanter!"

Sue tried to understand what happened here right now. Then, far too late, she started to understand. "No, Knight-Commander. This is wrong." The panic in her voice was nearly palpable.

"Is it, Champion?" Meredith turned her head towards Sue. Her voice was calm and cold. "I thought you would say so. You can still decide on which side you will fight. But the Right of Annulment will be enforced." Her voice made clear that she wouldn't change her mind.

"You really think so, don't you?" She snorted. "You're wrong, Meredith. There is only one path that I can take. And you know that perfectly well." Blue eyes met each other coldly. "You should gather your men. So will we. I think we will meet at the Gallows." She spoke slow and with a cold voice. There was nothing more to say.

The Knight-Commander threw a glare at Anders. "You deal with him. He is your companion." Then she turned around and left.

Sue sighed. She didn't know what to do. The Knight-Commander would carry out the Right of Annulment if she didn't stop her.

Her gaze moved back to that empty space where a moment ago the tower of the Chantry had been. Now, there was just nothing. Smoke and dust reminded of the explosion that had taken place. Set by the man she trusted, or had trusted? She didn't know.

Orsino stepped at her side and reminded her that there wasn't much time to prepare for Meredith's attack. She nodded. "I know. I just need a moment." All the tension had left her with Meredith's disappearance. She even didn't realize that Orsino left.

She turned to face Anders. He had sat down on a crate. His face turned downwards. His strength had vanished, he seemed like he would be breaking down any minute.  
Her friends around her started telling her what to do, but she didn't want to hear any advice given to her right now. She just wanted to talk to Anders. She had to understand him before she could decide anything. Before she could do anything.

"Leave us alone", she ordered her friends. She earned confused looks.  
"Hawke, do you really think…", Aveline started.  
"Yes, I do. Those who wish to follow me can wait 'round the corner. The rest of you can go, wherever they want to."  
"You can't really consider giving him a chance, Hawke! Look at what he's done!" Fenris growled. His hand outstretched to the empty spot that once had been the Chantry Tower.  
Sue looked at him. She lifted her chin a bit. "I will do it my way, Fenris." She said it in an unambiguous tone. "Like I did all those years. You can accept it or not. Your choice."  
The Elf stared furiously at her for a moment, but then turned around. He would stay. Sue was sure of it. Like he had done all the other times that he hadn't agreed with her. Sue had never known why he did it, but was glad to have his sword.  
The Guard-Captain hesitated a moment, but then nodded. She turned around and the others followed her. Not without hesitation, but they did.  
Sue wasn't sure who would wait for her around that corner, but at that moment she didn't care. All she could think of was the blonde mage that was sitting on a crate near her.

His body trembled, his shoulders hung like his head, as if he knew what came next would be unpleasant.  
Sue took a step towards him. "Why, Anders?" Her voice was faint, nearly breaking.  
He didn't answer. He didn't even move. It made her heart bleed to see him like this.  
Two more steps brought her to his side, she found herself on her knees before thinking about it. She grasped his shoulder hard. "Tell me! Why haven't you told me? Why, in the Name of the Maker, did you kill all those people? There were innocents. Children!" Tears were already running down her cheeks. Her voice was nearly pleading for an answer. She clutched his upper arm. "Why, by the Fade, didn't you tell me?"

He turned his face and she saw, that he was sorry. He was sorry for not letting her decide by herself whether she would have liked to take part in it. He perfectly knew that he possibly killed many innocent people. But this was the only way he saw to make them listen. He still believed it to be the right way. But that blood at his hands would never be washed away.

She saw all that pain that tormented him right now, right there in his eyes.

She fell back on her heels and let go of his upper arm. Her thoughts where rushing through her head, making her dizzy.  
Maybe she had been wrong all the time in thinking her way would make anything better. Maybe this was the path that had to be taken. Was it right to kill an unknown number of innocent people, just to make others feel better? No, but it was not only to make them feel better. It was some kind of rescue. She knew perfectly well about the maltreatment of mages, especially here in Kirkwall.

She didn't know what to say. He killed a lot of people today. But how many would have died during the next thousand years if he hadn't done anything? He had told her all along that he would force them to listen. That he would make the change.  
But she never really listened to him either. Suddenly, she felt sorry for him. Even she didn't understand him all along. She tasted bitterness in her mouth. She was even somehow disappointed of herself. She had always told him that she understood his point of view. But now she learned that actually she never did.  
But now would be the time to show him how much she really cared. How much she supported him. How much she loved him, and how much she was willing to fight for themselves as mages.

It didn't matter that maybe she could have stopped him. It was already done. Now she had to make the best of it. Maybe this gave her the chance to do something absolutely right. Something she hadn't seen before.  
Suddenly she was very sure what she would have done if she had known. She would have helped him.

"You could have asked", she whispered desperately.  
He smiled sadly at her. "You would have tried to talk me out of it. I couldn't risk that. I didn't want to get you involved. They would have killed us both."  
She shook her head. "They didn't do it now, so maybe they wouldn't have then." A small smile tugged at her lips. She knew she would make the right decision.  
His smile grew a bit wider, and he raised a hand to her face, cupped her cheek with it. He brushed his thumb over her lower lip. "It wasn't worth the risk." He looked away and closed his eyes. He still seemed to wait for something to happen. "If I pay for that with my life… then I pay. Perhaps then Justice will at least be free."

"Help me to defend the mages!" She whispered desperately. She knew they would possibly die out there. She wasn't sure if she was afraid of it. All she knew was that she could not kill him. And that she still wanted to be at his side. Even if it meant to die for it.

He jumped off the crate and stared at her. "You will not send me away?" He seemed surprised.

She sighed, still smiling, and stood up as well. "I know why you did it. I told you I would have been at your side, if you had asked. I love you Anders, how could I possibly live without you?"


End file.
